When a friend cares more about you then you are able to...
08:09 Feb 06 2009
Times Read: 699
Recently I have expereinced such an incredible rollercoaster of anger, pain, sadness, and betrayl. It intermingles with forgiveness and love and desire still to this day. Often out of my control.
I have cried every tear with such pain and anquish. At times I screamed out like a Banshee coming to claim a soul. Other times I huddled in a corner of my bed thinking of Him next to me, tears streaming down my face in utter silence. And so many times...like now...the tears start, my lips part, my body shivers, my stomach turns and I give into the sadness. It rushes up from behind me like a cold, hard wind.
By nature I am a complex woman with an incredible propensity to love and care for others. I have no doubt in my mind and heart, that, that is my gift. The gift that I am to share with others while I am on this Earth, this time.
While being nurturing towards others is my nature, being nurturing towards myself is my struggle. But perhaps my lesson to learn is to love and care for myself?
And perhaps until I learn to do this...my friends...*smile*...will love me and remind me I am worthy of love and happiness. Thank you, my friends. You all mean so much to me...at times it is overwhelming. xx
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This is a message I humbly received from a lovely friend. This friend makes me feel worthy of being cared for, safe and deserving of friendship. I post it here with their permission.
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Just wanted to say this...I know it's none of my business what you do in your personal life...but since we became good friends...I worry about you and how you are treated.I don't want to see you get your heart broken and soul ripped out.I will always be the shoulder you lean on and the ear you fill with your words.For as long as you desire my friendship and need me as a shield for the slings and arrows that try to pierce your flesh...I shall be.
I remember...
07:30 Feb 01 2009
Times Read: 716
This last month has been incredibly hard and caused my heart to break on so many different levels. Being told that a love I had beleived was just a lie...done with smoke and mirrors...has shaken me to my core. A core that has already been chipped at over the last year due to working in close proxmity of true Evil.
Although, those chips are visible and lasting... the fractures and wounds, your lies and our love created continue to be visceral and are deeply permanent. The scar tissue is fresh and unyeilding.
I remember picking you up from the airport. Being so nervous...so excitied and so worried. I remember being so scared that we had to sit down for a moment before going to the car. I remember getting lost on the way home! Silly woman! I remember playing Bullet For My Bloody Valentine for you (and wishing you liked Flogging Molly! hahaha). Coming home...being together...going to bed. It was too overwhelming.
You ofcourse woke up first! LOL and came to greet me, thanking me for having left most items out needed for your breakfast...with the exception of a pan / kettle for your coffee. You of course found a busted pan which almost spilled boiling water! haha...
Then we were off to visit my friends and work. That must have been overwhelming for you...giggle. Do you remember the killer bunny outside my work? The one who almost attacked Eggs and us?
Then going to J's Noodles. I so wanted you to feel comfortable and to enjoy it. Everyone was on their best behavior...lol...Eggs was her silly little girl self. L was her decisive, witty self. Tom was his shy yet friendly self. You, you were wonderful and kind and loving. You held my hand, put your hand on my thigh, and rubbed my back. We did find out one thing for sure... turns out you dont like Thai food..hehehe.
I remember going back to meet people at my other office, including my Mexican Grandma! She made us homemade green chilli, refried beans and homemade tortillas! (which ofcourse was too damn hot for a little Brit like you! ) LOL!! Remember all the pictures on the wall and the stories she told of her family and the traditions. Broncos Denver football team, Jesus, Church and Family. In no paticular order! Hahaha!!
I can remember hanging out together alone and enjoying each others company. Do you remember saying how it felt so natural? Like we had always known one another. Did you feel that? Or did you just say that? I am a bit perplexed by these things, babe.
Closing my eyes I can remember waking up to find you waking at the same exact time. Both of us searching for one another's face as we awaken. Your beautiful blue eyes opening and a sweet smile taking over your face. You move towards me and cuddle me...whispering good morning tam.
Your obsession with coffee...yes I said it...obsession! NesCafe Classico! LMAO!! Maybe that should have been my first hint. Expecting good things to happen in an instance.
I smell your aftershave and feel your neatly shaved sides of your head as I reach for you. Stroking your temple with my thumb. Your face so kind, as your eyes seemingly search my soul.
I remember eating at the Cheeky Monk, trying to hide feelings from others at the bar. I remember drinking at the Irish Snug, smiling and chatting and talking about everything under the sun. The shopping. Walking down 13th to look at clothes and me trying to get you to wear a proper shirt. hahaha! I bet you were a spoiled child! Briskly walking 16th St Mall. Running into my good people and a lovely child. Only to have me freak out and realize my real life, VR life and work life had somehow collided! Finding the perfect gift for Sam and Chris at HotTopic...only to find you looking for the perfect band shirt for yourself! haha!! Walking back down to the Cheesecake Factory to have a treat and people watch. You said it was very European looking. Holding hands and smiling at each other as if we had never been apart.
I remember going to the little girly-girl shop for Sarah's earings...soft, delicate pink earings for your oldest. I so wanted them to like me. I was already loving them as they were apart of you. It was there you bought me a small white plaque which says Thank You. It is hung next to my computer and i look it through out my day and evening.
I remember falling asleep breathing your smell and touching you. Listening to you softly breath as you sleep and feeling you climb out of bed in the middle of the night. Smiling as I realize you pull the covers up around your shoulders as you sleep like a little child.
I remember being awaken in the middle of the night by you grasping the front of my hair just above my forehead. You were sound asleep, with a death grip on my hair! Our faces only inches apart. i began to giggle...and you flexed your grasp again, slightly pulling it. As I moved your hand, you stir and mumble my name asking if I'm okay. Gently we fall back asleep...only to wake up again...our last day.
You and your need to go IHOP! LOL...so off we went to fill your belly full of American breakfast food...was it a Denver Omlette? hahaha and pancakes. The couples next to us that we spoke with. Our slightly sweet waiter. Our trip to the Courthouse and Government buildings and Obama rally. Then we were off to the airport. The tears began on the way. As you reached across the seat and held my hand and tried to smile at me. Sometimes to this day...when i am driving i can remember how it felt with your hand on my thigh as I drove.
I remember talking about plans for the Holidays as we drove the long drive out to DIA. I remember going with you to check in at the airport and you getting upgrade arranged. I remember the Middle Eastern family who was also checking in next to us and all the repacking they had to do for the Grandmother. I remember wondering what Sarah looked like in her uniform as I looked at the BA attendants.
I remember walking you to the gate...only feet from the screen seperating international passengers from those who they were leaving behind. I was one of those being left behind. I had no idea how left behind I was about to be.
Do you rememeber my tears and brushing them away and holding me? Do you remember the eternity that quickly passed in that moment? I can feel it still. That lovely man who came to offer us privacy if we needed. I can hear your promise to come back at Christmas. Was that a lie, love? Or was that a naive wish. I can feel me grasping the front of your jacket with both of my hands as I burried my face in your chest and cried. I feel your arms around me, rubbing my back and arms, trying to assure me you would be back soon.
I remember letting go...smiling...and you walking to the screen. I remember you turning around several times to smile and wave and say I was a good girl. I walked to other side of walkway and waited as my tears slid down my cheeks. Waiting to avoid seeing the large group of people in the airport mainways. I remember laughing to myself about you having to take those Rock boots off and what they would say to you.
I remember walking to the restroom and washing my face. I held my head high and walked to the car. With strong purpose I opened the door, climbed in, turned up Hurt and cried while singing along. My heart ached and my stomach was turning and my Being felt empty.
You had come and gone. I was here. Left to see places we had visited. Sleep in the bed you and I had slept in. Smell the pillow you slept on. Clear the coffee cup you left out. Put away your coffee and continue to store your beer. The visit was over. Little did I know we were done.
I remembered our time together. You forgot your socks.
COMMENTS
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Isis101
22:28 Feb 28 2009
I know hon...a total bummer.